Don’t Assume: I’m breastfeeding.
By Aliza Friedlander and Kim Chappell
If you’re a mom with a new baby, there is almost a guarantee someone has asked the simple and seemingly straightforward question, “how is breastfeeding going?”
Perhaps this question came from a doctor looking for a nutritional check-box, a mother-in-law looking for validation her grandbaby is being fed what she considers the ‘best’ way, or a friend looking to commiserate on the joys and hurdles of having a baby on your boob every three hours.
While well-intentioned, this question comes with pretty big assumptions that a mom, dad, or caregiver is able to, and dare we say wants to, breastfeed or provide breast milk to their babies. You see, ‘How is breastfeeding going?’’ can send a jolt of judgment down a new parent’s spine. Why assume? Maybe instead, we don’t assume!
Let’s Evolve the Question
As one of yet another parenting paradigm shifts in 2020, it’s time we start reframing that quintessential question. What if instead of asking about a specific way of feeding, we asked the all-inclusive question, ‘How is feeding going?’
Let’s evolve the guilt-ridden conversation and meet the reality of what modern parents are experiencing. Because it’s time. More women are breadwinners, yet are struggling with their mental health and stress more than ever before. Modern families are inclusive of gay dads, surrogates, adoption, multiples, and preemies who don’t have easy access to breastmilk. Let’s not forget the fact that women get limited paid leave yet are held to an almost impossible standard to exclusively breastfeed until their baby is six months old. These factors combined lead a staggering majority, 83% of US parents, to choose formula in the first year of their baby’s life. And that’s ok.
Where is the National Month for the Silent Majority?
September 1 marks the end of National Breastfeeding Awareness Month, where one type of feeding is put on a pedestal. Meanwhile, the silent majority of parents will continue quietly shaking their bottles without the social media fanfare.
Where is the month for these parents who are still nourishing their babies the best way they can? Or dare we say, the best way they should? The ones pumping every ounce but also supplementing when they need to? The ones turning to formula on day one as a critical life-saving product? The ones who don’t have nipples because they battled cancer before motherhood? Or the ones forced to stop breastfeeding earlier than planned because they don’t have an accommodating job, partner, schedule, or support system? Perhaps their baby arrived on time, but their milk never did.
Parents, of all types, need less judgment and more resources. They need more empathy, more support, and more shared experiences that normalize there is no one size fits all to feeding a baby.
We Need More Resources for All Feeding Journeys
It’s why the team at Bobbie, a mom-founded, European style, organic formula company, created this site, Milk-Drunk, as a way to start evolving the conversation on how we feed our babies with resources, information, research, and most importantly, real stories.
You read that right: We are a formula company. We are also breastfeeding advocates, combo feeding advocates, and formula feeding advocates. So don’t assume we don’t support breastfeeding. The education, celebration, and support around breastfeeding have come a long way, as it should, but to evolve the conversation we need to be inclusive of all feeding journeys.
Every parent in our Don’t Assume Campaign has felt the pressure to feed a certain way or the shame of not living up to those expectations. It’s the same shame the founders of Bobbie felt when their boobs couldn’t deliver what society had told them they would.
Because whatever your feeding journey looks like, we bet someone out there can relate, either from their own experience or even making some of your own assumptions. And if your path looks a little different, don’t assume you’re alone.
It Starts With Sharing Real Stories
Don’t Assume I Have Nipples
Pregnant with her second daughter, Meghan Koziel didn’t know if motherhood was in her future. Meghan is a breast cancer survivor and went through 15 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 rounds of radiation, a double mastectomy, and reconstructive surgery all before the age of 30.
“I would get questions like, ‘I see you had a mastectomy, how are you going to breastfeed. I’m a breast cancer survivor and I literally don’t have nipples. So, unless people wanted my baby to suck on my scars, the answer was that I wasn’t going to breastfeed. I don’t want to call the people who asked me that dumb, but they were really dumb questions. I never thought how I was going to feed was a big deal until society had something to say about it.” -Meghan
Don’t Assume We Won’t Bond
When their daughter Maya was born, David Rak and Oren Henry remember having to sign waivers in the hospital saying they allowed the use of formula. The couple’s surrogate shipped them breast milk for the first couple weeks, but then her supply dried up. David and Oren turned to formula, as recommended by their pediatrician, and never looked back.
“I love just holding the bottle and holding her close,” says David. “I love having her look up at me and catch my gaze. We will stare at each other while she’s drinking and every so often, I see a smile. It’s such a connective moment, like she is memorizing my face.”
Adds Oren: “It turns out dads can have that same chemical bond with their babies without carrying the child, without birthing the child and without breastfeeding the child. I totally feel it and I know David does too. Plus, we have a wonderful, smiley talkative four-and-a-half month old who is changing and growing every single day in spite of the fact she only got limited breastmilk.”
Don’t Assume I Can Pump When I Need To
Rae is part of the minority. She’s one of the 25.6 percent of women in the US who exclusively breastfeed to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recommended six-month mark. While she never struggled with the act of breastfeeding, sticking with pumping and offering her kids breastmilk while working three, 12-hour shifts a week, at a hospital in DC during a pandemic was a serious commitment.
“When I went back to work, I was pumping every three hours. I would leave in the morning and have to pump as soon as I got to my office. Pumping takes about 20 minutes and then I clean my pump parts and store my milk. It’s worth it to me, but if I had to work five days a week I don’t know if I would continue. Luckily, I have a lovely team and if I need to pump one of my coworkers will usually scrub me out, I’ll run upstairs to my office to pump and then run back into surgery. But there are times when my coworkers aren’t available to help, in which case leaving isn’t an option and I’m stuck.”
Don’t Assume I Didn’t Try
Breastfeeding one baby is hard. Breastfeeding three babies at one time is a task few of us can fathom. But Chantelle Whittles’, the mother of triplets, wanted to try. This, despite the struggles she had breastfeeding her older son and the fact she never felt her boobs get full. In the end, even though milk never came in with her triplets, she still has well fed babies.
“The triplets spent three weeks in the NICU so they could be monitored and during that time I only expressed enough milk for one baby to have one feeding per day,” says Chantelle. “Because I didn’t have enough for all three babies, our pediatrician recommended we use formula instead. I feel content knowing I gave breastfeeding my best shot.” – Chantelle
Don’t Assume My Baby Was Full Term
Before becoming a mom, Tiffany Allen and her husband Stephon had no idea there were multiple ways of feeding within one sitting. But after welcoming their daughter Arie-Marie at 33 weeks, they quickly found out that a baby could get both breast milk and formula simultaneously. Arie-Marie spent 10 days in the NICU learning how to feed on her own and now breastfeeds and bottle feeds.
“When they said I needed to give formula, I felt inadequate. Arie-Marie was breastfeeding well in the hospital so I wasn’t sure what was going on. The doctors told me that I needed to be able to see how much she was drinking at a time because she needed a certain amount of calories throughout the day. In the hospital they could weigh every ounce, but at home we couldn’t do that. All we could do was look at how much was in the bottle. Once they explained that to me I felt comfortable. And honestly, I think if I didn’t have formula it would have taken her a lot longer to gain weight. Being able to combine breastfeeding and formula feeding allows us to gage how much she’s eating so she can grow.”
Don’t Assume These Are My Biological Babies
Kailey Dees became a mother in 24-hours. As a foster parent, Kailey received a call that there was a baby who needed a home and the next day the baby was in her custody. That was her first daughter, Emily “Emi” Eloise Dees, born July 17, 2018. A few months later, Kailey learned Emi’s birth mother was pregnant again and Kailey’s second daughter, Ruthie Grace Dees was born September 11, 2019. While Kailey started out as a foster mom, she has since adopted both girls.
“At one point someone told me the formula I was giving Emi was the cheap kind. And after Ruthie was born, someone else voluntarily took it upon themselves to find me breast milk without ever having a conversation about that with me. I mean, is there really going to be a stigma around breastmilk or formula when it comes to a child that spent nine months in a womb the mother nourished with meth and cocaine? You think after that formula isn’t going to be enough for my children to develop? And when you think about babies who have been adopted, are you immediately going to think less of them because they aren’t breastfed? It’s pretty obvious, if a child is adopted they probably aren’t going to be breastfed.”
Don’t Assume You Know My Story
Lisa Yadao is a San Francisco mom who worked at a big tech company that provides every benefit a new or expecting mom could want- financial help with IVF, four months paid leave, private and equipped pumping rooms, even a $500 gift card for food delivery. But even with a supportive job, a supportive partner, and the steadfast determination to breastfeed, biology had a different plan.
“The reality of pumping at home and maintaining that against a feeding schedule was also something I didn’t quite grasp until I was in the thick of it. Despite all this, I forged ahead, still thinking it was the best and only option. It wasn’t until a few weeks at home, when I noticed my baby felt lighter, that I realized there was a very real problem irrespective of my own efforts. I raced my baby to the pediatrician’s office who confirmed she had been losing weight. My heart sank. I was failing as a mother to a baby I fought so hard to conceive. My baby wasn’t getting enough milk, and the “walk of shame” home involved a carton of formula from the grocery store to supplement my breast milk. At home, with a bottle of formula at her lips, my baby was the most serene and satiated she had ever looked, and I sat on the floor crying, defeated.” – Lisa
Don’t Assume Bobbie is like every other formula company
The team at Bobbie shares that overwhelming feeling of Lisa’s defeat. We are founded by moms who breastfed, pumped, and ultimately supplemented with formula. The crossroads of knowing our boobs weren’t going to deliver what our minds had planned brought an overwhelming sense of guilt and judgement, both from those around us and ourselves.
But why? Because the expectations society had for us didn’t meet the reality of our holistic situation (other kids, work, mental health, just…life). So before we launch an organic infant formula with a European Style Recipe later this year, we first want to start to change the conversation and talk honestly about how we feed our babies. The stigma has got to go.
These parents above have started this conversation, we hope to amplify their stories, and encourage more people to share theirs. And before you ask a new parent how is breastfeeding going, remember-